Other Writing: Religion

Hymn of Praise

I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving. Psalm 69:30.

Another day, another vow. It costs me gold, but this is how I wobble on from day to day, Coaxing things to go my way.

Through the power of great Ganesh, Lord of No and Lord of Yesh, Ganipati’s mighty trunk Protecteth me from getting skunked.

Om gang Ganipatiyé, Trust Ganseha all the way. Ganipati nemaha, Always by me, never far.

Lord, Thy sixteen powerful arms Deflect from me life’s wicked harms. To Thee in Hindu heav’n I raise This doggerel of grateful praise.

Jewish New Year

See how the sun sinks in the West!
  See how the moon doth shine!
From Israel to Miami Beach
  The Jews are doing fine.
So let the shofar sound its cry!
  Break out the kosher wine!
As 5778
  Turns into -79.

Elul 27, 5778
September 7, 2018

How to Pray the Jewish Way

“Then the king said unto me, For what dost thou make request?
  So I prayed to the God of heaven.” Nehemiah 2:4.

To be sung to the tune of the Navy Hymn (“Eternal Father, Strong to Save”). Music here)


Eternal Father, strong to save,
I’d like to give YOU what you crave.
If that would help You give to me
The goodies that I’d like to see.
   To get the things I want from You,
   I’d paint Your feet with Krazy Glue.

The first-fruits of my oil and corn
And fleece and so forth, all are Your’n.1
I’d sacrifice a bullock, too.2
I’d sacrifice a petting zoo!
   I’d even slice my baby’s dick,
   A ritual we know is sick.3

Before the Temple was destroyed,
We knew what bribes should be employed.
All we had to do was look
At lists inside Your holy Book.
   But now those lists are out of date.
   All we can do is pray and wait.

I know Your thoughts are not like mine,4
But still, I need to have a sign.
Buy Israel Bonds? Or build a shul?
Send orphaned girls to dental school?
   Leave grapes ungathered on my vine?5
  All right, then, Lord. Whatever. Fine.

Chicken Sutra

Ain’t no stable structures.
Ain’t nothin’ but change.
So keep your heart open,
And your poultry free-range.

May 2014