Welcome Home, Christina

My sister-in-law Christina became very ill from some kind of patent remedy or supplement and ended up in the hospital. I wrote this poem to welcome her home.

                 by James Whitcomb Riley

So welcome home, Christina!
  You done give us a turn!
And no more herbal doodads is
  A lesson we can learn! No fancy patent supplements!
  Just candy bars and gin,
And you won’t have no trouble
  Like the trouble you was in! The next time you feels poorly, try
  A crunchy Baby Ruth,
And wash it down with spirits, like,
  At least a hundred prooth. And no more echinacea!
  Get carob off your plate!
For alcohol and sugar is
  What made this country great! Amen.

January 2014

James Whitcomb Riley (1849-1916), the “Children’s Poet,” author of 16 volumes of truly awful sentimental poems in phony affected Hoosier dialect, is considered by many to have been America’s Worst Poet. Others dispute this, believing Edgar A. Guest (1881-1959), the “People’s Poet,” to have been slightly worse. It is a close question. Really Bob Dylan is a worse poet than either of them, or maybe worse than both of them combined, but I’m not allowed to say that.