How to Pray the Jewish Way

“Then the king said unto me, For what dost thou make request?
  So I prayed to the God of heaven.” Nehemiah 2:4.

To be sung to the tune of the Navy Hymn (“Eternal Father, Strong to Save”). Music here)


Eternal Father, strong to save,
I’d like to give YOU what you crave.
If that would help You give to me
The goodies that I’d like to see.
   To get the things I want from You,
   I’d paint Your feet with Krazy Glue.

The first-fruits of my oil and corn
And fleece and so forth, all are Your’n.1
I’d sacrifice a bullock, too.2
I’d sacrifice a petting zoo!
   I’d even slice my baby’s dick,
   A ritual we know is sick.3

Before the Temple was destroyed,
We knew what bribes should be employed.
All we had to do was look
At lists inside Your holy Book.
   But now those lists are out of date.
   All we can do is pray and wait.

I know Your thoughts are not like mine,4
But still, I need to have a sign.
Buy Israel Bonds? Or build a shul?
Send orphaned girls to dental school?
   Leave grapes ungathered on my vine?5
  All right, then, Lord. Whatever. Fine.

  1. Deuteronomy 18:4.
  2. Exodus 29:10-14.
  3. Genesis 17:10-13.
  4. Isaiah 55:8.
  5. Leviticus 19:10.